I, Muehlenhaus. U, Riedermaus.

I figured that drinking was immature and a self-destructive way to deal with the loss of a friend. Running wasn't really an option either, because I'm simply out of shape. So after spending Thursday in shock and flailing about on Friday like a duckling that hasn't found his wings yet, I finally discovered my stability in the oddest of places -- work.

I started working on faculty applications that I have been poking at for about a month but have not had time or energy to work on. Without the need to plan lectures next week, I finally had the time and motivation to hammer out the eighteen different "statements" every school wanted. Statements on research interests, teaching philosophy, course proposals, teaching experience, research history, and how I will incorporate diversity into the classroom in a state that is 97% white. Each of these has to be copiously edited and trimmed and hemmed and composed so that you promote yourself to the extreme but do not come off as pompous, or even worse, as threatening to the faculty who will determine whether or not to hire you.

My friend Brian, who I forgot to call during this three day work-a-thon (18 hours a day), once noted that academics are the kids on the playground who were picked last for dodgeball. All they have are their smarts; and because of this, they never want to feel inferior in intelligence. And though I can proudly say that I was picked penultimately for dodgeball, right before an even smarter academic, Brian has a point. Academics rarely have anything but their wits and brains, and if they ever feel that those are threatened by another academic with wits, brains, and a personality, they close in like a pack of wolves around the runt of the litter. You see this at coffee hours (departmental speaker series) all the time -- a pure bloodbath just for the sake of a bloodbath. We're smarter than you, so don't mess with us!

It's a fine line. How do you apply for a job where you have to prove yourself smart enough to deserve an opportunity to join the posse, but where you don't want to come off as too talented or personable as it may result in your being discarded as glib. Not that I have to worry about coming off as too talented, as if anything I need to publish this year, but I've been told by my allies in academia that I could stand to toughen up my image more (read: become more of an arrogant ass). Note, these are my allies telling me this. They have my best interests at heart. They say that if I don't get snarly enough, the really snarly academics will be threatened and drive me out of whatever department I join someday. Academics, I guess, are supposed to seem serious and deep in thought all the time. It is our gimmick -- if we don't look serious and deep in thought, people may not take us as seriously as we want, it is argued. But the problem is this: I don't need people to take me seriously. I know I'm serious. I do serious work. I don't have to scare students into submission and be punitive with my paper comments and tests. If my instructors had been that way when I was an undergrad, I would not be here right now. But... holy cow, I'm digressing. Back on track, lad!

So these application statements are difficult to write. And they are scary to write, because you do not know who you are going to tick off. After sitting in on faculty meetings, I just know that whether or not I choose the phrase "manipulative maps" or "maps of manipulation" may result in a series of debates over whether or not I can define what I mean by "manipulation." You see, academics have to sound serious and smart, so there is a good chance that such a word flop might hold up an application for months or get it tossed out altogether. Truly stressing...

But then I reminded myself that these are my first true applications and that even if they do get tossed on the pile of rejects (read: recycling container in the hallway outside the prof's office), eventually I will apply to a department where such a mundane detail gets overlooked, and I may even get a job talk. And then... then I am pretty confident. I can do job talks. Though they freak me out, I would relish an opportunity to give a job talk. So yeah... now I just have to wait and see, and it all seems so trivial now that both applications have been filed electronically and Ben is still not here and I am going to his funeral tomorrow. It just kind of stings. Ben and I were going to be colleagues someday, finding post-doc jobs for one another's grad students. And suddenly he is just... gone. Out of the picture. I can still visit his Facebook profile, but he isn't really there. And he won't be having any grad students for me to find post-doc positions in my department for. Damnit!

So tomorrow, after I empty myself of all the water in my body via tear duct, I will grade. For the first time in my life, I am happy to have a pile of grading to do. I have three tests that are all partly graded. The cartography midterms are close -- I just have to grade their final question. I had them redesign a map of Kosovo, so that should be fun, but it will be hard not to think of Ben while grading these. Then I have the Human Geography midterms. My TAs graded those almost completely; so I just have to correct the short answers on those. And finally, I have the European map tests, which I foolishly decided to make really thorough for the students and hence a nightmare for me to grade. But luckily there are only nine tests to grade; so it should be feasible to finish them before 2019.

Anyway, I guess I'm still reeling. Not sure if anyone who knew Ben is reading this, but if so, his funeral details are posted below:

Monday, 11am
Visitation starting at 9:30am
Christ the King Church
51st and Zenith
Minneapolis, MN